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"ANDY'S NOTEBOOK"
January 6, 2005
INT. BEDROOM, KENT, ENGLAND – NIGHT A lone figure hunches over his keyboard, frantically searching his mind for something funny and/or interesting to type. It is ANDY. His fingers hover over the keys, always threatening to touch, but always pulling back. The self-doubt is evident; the frustration palpable. Suddenly, and without warning, Andy jumps up and heads for the door. Andy (to self): "Pub." - INT. PUB, KENT, ENGLAND – NIGHT Andy enters the pub and looks around for a friendly face. He spots WILLIS across the bar, snorting salt and putting lemon wedges in his eyes. Andy approaches Willis. Andy: "You okay, Willis?? WILLIS (squinting through lemon juice and tears): "Not bad. Thanks mate." Andy: "What are you doing?" Willis (nonchalantly): "Putting lemon wedges in my eyes. What are you doing here? I thought you were writing your STRATEGY BOXING column tonight." Andy: "I was. Am. Oh, I don’t know." Willis (wiping his eyes with a dust cloth): "What’s up?" Andy: "I guess I’m just feeling a little uninspired. I can’t think of a single thing to write about." Willis (frantically trying to wipe lemon juice and dust from his eyes): "Can you not give your view on the recent Morales/Barrera clash?" Andy: "Old news". Andy turns to face the bar. The barmaid smiles. Andy: "Two Buds please." Andy turns back to face Willis. Willis has cleared his eyes, but is now on all fours, attempting to chow down with the publican’s dog, STEVE. Willis (through a mouthful of Pedigree Chum): "Why don’t you talk about the proposed Ricky Hatton/Kostya Tszyu match up?" Andy: "Too far in the future." Willis nudges Steve’s nose out of the way with his, much to Steve’s annoyance. STEVE: "Woof." Willis: "Well, why don’t you give your hopes and predictions for the boxing world for 2005?" Andy: "I already did that in my article for the TACTICAL PUGILISM card game website." Willis (Standing up and wiping chicken and liver Chum from his mouth): "I see." The barmaid gives Andy two bottles of Bud, and Andy gives her the exact money, £30 ($55). Willis: "Why don’t you tell everyone what Mark enjoys doing in his spare time?" Andy: "It’s a family website." Willis: "Oh." Willis picks up a set of darts. He hands them to Andy, then walks over to the dartboard. Willis opens his mouth and points to it, challenging Andy to throw the darts at him. Willis: "I’ll catch them." Andy shapes to throw, hesitates, then puts the darts on the bar. Andy: "I’m going home. See you next week." Willis, disappointed, closes his mouth. Andy opens the pub door, then turns to take one last look back. Willis is back down on his hands and knees, next to Steve. Willis: "Woof." Steve: "Woof." Andy walks out. FADE OUT |